Speaking As A Single (Vol. 1)
Welcome to my new series entitled, ‘Speaking as A Single.’ As I’ve shared previously, I happen to be a single, unmarried, childless woman who is (prayerfully) awaiting my future mate. It would be great if he’d hurried up, but my mother told me I shouldn’t rush the hand of God and so, that I shall not do. In the meantime though, I just want to say to my future mate, come through when you can and if your pace could be accelerated a bit, I’d greatly appreciate it.
I need to say this first though, I’m content and happy with the life I have and live. Do I get a little sad wondering if I’ll ever be a man’s wife or a child’s mother, yes. Do I get down on myself every single day of my life about the two previously mentioned concerns, absolutely not. I love being single sometimes and I hate being single sometimes. My feelings about being single ebbs and flows just like everything else, but I’m always content with the space I’m in because I figured if being a person that happens to be single for a season or two is my only concern, I'm gonna be alright.
In this series, I plan to share some of my first hand experiences and thoughts navigating through this wondrous world known as singleness. Now, I do not intend to speak on behalf of all persons who happen to be single, but rather I’m speaking as a person who happens to be single in an effort to share my thoughts, feelings, and experiences that may mirror others and make others feel a bit more seen.
I also want this to be an open letter to family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances of singles. Though my candor may be (a little) frank at times, I share to ensure a new form of etiquette is considered and meaningful conversations are had in the future .
Without further ado, let’s get into it shall we?
My State of Singleness Is Not To Be Used As A Conversation Driver
First up, please understand my current state of singleness or dating life is not open for discussion unless I introduce it into a discussion myself.
I cannot begin to tell you how many times I’ve gone to an event, celebration, or low key hangout with a group of people or ran into someone where the following three questions are asked of me:
Are you still single?
What’s your relationship status?
Have you tried any dating apps?
When these types of questions are asked of me, I can’t help but compare my experience with the experiences of women being asked when they plan to have children. There used to be a time when it was “normal” to ask a woman why she doesn’t have children or when she planned to start having children as if that was everyone’s business or right to know.
Society learned the hard way that just because a woman is without child, doesn’t mean the woman isn’t trying to have a child or that a woman of a “certain” age ever desired to have children at all. Society had to learn that what a woman does or doesn’t do with her body is not open for discussion unless the said woman shares her future plans for a family herself.
Well, I think society needs to apply the same logic to persons who happen to be single. Every time someone I know, be it closely or loosely, asks me what my relationship status is or if I’m still single, I feel as if I’m being asked to expose an intimate and vulnerable aspect of my life that I’m still trying to manage and in some cases, wrap my own head around what it even means to “still be single.”
Impromptu questions about my current state of singleness make me feel as if my life is being used to fill up space in an effort to drive a conversation or the person asking is just trying to reiterate how behind I am in my own life somehow and to showcase how further along they are in theirs because they happen to be “boo-ed up” or married.
The people in my life that care about me and have maintained a healthy relationship with me already know the status of my dating life and rarely ask me about it. The reason why those that care about me rarely have to ask me about my dating life or ask me if I’m still single is because I've likely already shared this information with them on my own accord as they’ve made me feel safe and respected when I do. In fact, I determine how close I am with a person based on whether or not they frequently or even occasionally ask me about my dating life.
If you’re someone I rarely speak to or see, just know that if at some point during a conversation where you’ve probed me with questions about my current state of singleness without my prompting or permission, I’ve gone ahead and logged you into a category of someone that I’m not close to and will respond to your intrusive questioning accordingly.
If you feel compelled to ask a person about their current state of singleness, maybe ask yourself these questions first:
Why am I asking this question?
What is it about this person that I think I have a right to ask this question?
Am I asking this question because I care about this person or am I asking this question to fill up space, drive this conversation, or because I want to feel better about myself someway?
I used to pressure myself to talk about my current state of singleness in either a group setting or during a one on one conversation when asked about it. I used to think by just talking or sharing about my dating life when prompted by someone else, I’d somehow be more a part of a group or closer to the person asking.
As time progressed and as I’ve grown, I learned that if I’m not comfortable with talking to someone about my current state of singleness or relationship status, I’m not going to talk about it. If the person asking gets and shows offense by my choosing to not discuss my current state of singleness or relationship status with them, I’ve learned it is their responsibility to sit with the why and not mine.
Listen, I get it-we’re curious beings. However, I think it’s important to note that just because we’re curious about someone and their life status as it relates to their being single, doesn’t afford us the right to know if they’ve not given us permission to discuss it with them. How do I give someone permission to discuss my personal life as it relates to dating or being single you ask? I will introduce my current state of singleness or relationship status into a conversation myself.
I learned that if someone wants to discuss a topic with me that’s personal to them, the someone will share their personal topic with me themselves without my having to prompt or ask. If I have to ask someone to share with me something that’s personal to them, there’s probably a reason why I do not already know the answer to my posed intrusive question and it’s probably not any of my business to ask them to share it with me in the first place.
If what I’m sharing here is a bit of a hard pill to swallow, I’d suggest sitting and processing why. Your why will lead you to your need to know and your need to know will likely have very little to do with the person you’re asking as much as it will deal with or revolve around you as the person doing the asking.
A little lengthy, but I think this a great place to start in order to put a little more respect on single persons’ names. Let us singles discuss our relationship statuses or current states of singleness when we’re ready and on our own accord.
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